Forgive but Can't Forget
by speck211
Summary: Continuation of mid-season finale...
1. Chapter 1

**AN: Okay, so this has sooooooooo been done and done and done again. But I think every White Collar fan has been waiting in anguish to see how the whole situation will be resolved and have a pretty good idea of how it might all go down. So I apologise if this feels like all other fics of the same premise. It just had to come out though. Please be forgiving!**

**Disclaimer (for this and all subsequent chapters): I do not own any of the characters of Jeff Eastin and USA Network's White Collar. **

****

"He took my wife..."

Neal felt shame engulf his body in a hot wave. He was crushed, not by Peter's words but by the words left unsaid.

_...because of you._

"Peter..." He tried again, but stopped himself there. Who was he kidding? Nothing he could say would make any of this better, would fix what he had done.

So he stood silent, watching as his friend's emotions went from devastation to raw fury. He didn't back away as Peter stormed toward him and slammed him into the wall by the throat. Didn't flinch as he lifted his other fist with full intent to beat the shit out of the conman. Neal simply closed his eyes, knowing he deserved the worst Peter could deliver and more.

The blow never came. He heard Peter exhale shakily and felt him lower his arms. Neal opened his eyes but couldn't lift his head to look at the man before him. Tears brimmed as his gaze awkwardly flitted about the floor. Peter spoke with a rasp.

"Get him out of here. Get him out of my house." He ordered the room at large, clearly not caring who did the deed.

Diana stepped cautiously toward him, putting a hand on his shoulder.

"Boss, he knows Keller better than anyone we've got, and he might-"

"I want him gone!" Peter roared, the sound ringing off the surrounding walls. It effectively froze all bodies in the room. His voice then dropped to a low growl as he pointed viciously at Neal.

"Get him out of my sight. He's done enough, more than enough. Elizabeth is..."

The last words were a choked whisper, making Neal's own throat clench tighter. Peter turned away, leaning against the counter in attempt to regain control.

The rest was a blur for Neal. Jones had come up beside him to lead him to a vehicle that would take him home to June's. He couldn't recall much of that ride, looking back on it. The last thing he could remember clearly was, as he was directed out of the Burke house, the image of Peter retching into the kitchen sink, then slipping to the floor with his head in his hands. Neal would never forget that as long as he lived.


	2. Chapter 2

**AN: Need advice on this chap, feels flimsy. I do believe even Neal couldn't keep up the lies at this point, and would be fully prepared to accept the consequences of his actions so long as El makes it home safely. Same with Mozzie. He might claim he's able to leave everyone behind without a second thought but it's been made quite clear that he has a massive soft spot for El, perhaps even loves her in a platonic (or who knows maybe romantic) sense. I believe he would risk jail time or his life to save her but I also believe he's smart enough never to have to put himself in that position and will come back to devise some master plan with Neal to bring down Keller and get El back.**

**That being said, I denno if this chap really has the smarts the series would to bring that whole idea about. Also, sorry if the characters are too...weepy. All my fics keep coming out that way, don't know why. Constructive criticisms would be appreciated.**

They'd found her at work. Two agents from the Bureau had cornered Sarah in her office to ask her questions regarding Elizabeth Burke's abduction. That startling piece of information was enough to make Sarah buckle at the knees and fumble for her desk chair to sit. To hear that Neal Caffery was a person of interest in circumstances directly related to the case nearly made her pass out.

By some miracle she wasn't forced to choose between lying to protect Neal or telling the truth to protect herself. As it happened, everything she knew Neal had already made them privy to. She never thought she'd be grateful that he had kept her in the dark with his plans to run off with the treasure.

She was currently standing outside Neal's apartment, debating knocking. With June's help she'd managed to convince two other agents standing guard at the estate to let her inside and upstairs to talk to him.

She hadn't been able to get him out of her mind. No matter what part he had played in El's abduction she knew Neal had not asked for any of this to happen. He would be torturing himself with self-loathing and that, combined with the fact that Neal could do nothing to help, must be killing him. Despite how things had ended last they'd seen each other, Sarah had to make sure he was all right. While she couldn't with good conscience exempt him from all fault for the situation, she also couldn't stand the idea of him being alone through this. This thought clinched it for her and she knocked on his door.

It took him time to answer; a bad sign. When he did, Sarah had to resist showing shock at his appearance. He looked like hell.

He wasn't unkempt or bedraggled in any obvious way. It was little things that only those who knew him well would notice. Being a self-assured individual, he'd always held his head high in an almost playfully challenging manner. Now it was as if to him it weighed a thousand pounds atop his body. It was low and his shoulders appeared strained with the effort of carrying it. There was no confident, dazzling smile across his face. His mouth was a thin, tight line, corners turned down. And his eyes...she'd always loved his eyes. They were usually so bright, alive and aware. They could melt defences with a single charming glance. Now, though, they were red, dull and empty.

Several seconds passed before he grasped exactly who it was standing there.

"Sarah."

His throat sounded irritated. He must've been crying.

"Oh, Neal..."

Right away she regretted her reaction. Sarah could tell her compassion was adding insult to injury for him when he was probably overwhelmed by guilt. His entire person slumped down further still.

"I guess you've heard...everything," he said, directing his statement to the floor. He didn't make any gesture to invite her in, just left the door open as he went and sat on the couch where Sarah suspected he'd been all evening. He heaved a great sigh and leaned his head back, closing his eyes.

Sarah warily stepped inside after him, following to gently sit beside him. She wasn't sure what to say so she quietly waited for him to start.

"I fucked up," he said, shrugging weakly.

"Tell me," Sarah urged, wanting to know his side.

With effort, he shifted to face her, his expression stricken.

"I would never have let this happen. If I'd had any idea Keller would do this I would've stopped him, I would've done anything..."

He was becoming distressed so Sarah took his hand on the couch between them and squeezed it. He didn't withdraw it, perhaps didn't even notice as he rubbed his temple fretfully with his free hand and continued.

"If I'd just told Moz the truth from the start..."

This gave her pause. She eyed him curiously.

"What do you mean?"

She could tell he wished he hadn't said anything. She couldn't help but feel a touch insulted that he would suddenly decide to shut down when she was only trying to hear him out.

"This isn't an interrogation Neal, or a lecture. I just wanted to give you a chance to talk."

Neal had the decency to look shame-faced at having questioned her motives, softening Sarah's defensiveness. She gave his hand another encouraging squeeze and this time he returned it.

"Okay...Moz, he...he took the treasure for the both of us and from the minute he brought me into the plan I felt...off. It took me a while to get that I wasn't prepared to just up and leave my life as Neal Caffery."

"So you stayed..."

"And I lied to Moz. One of the few times I have since I've known him. There was something he needed my help to get for the plan to work and I found it. I had it in my hand when I told Moz over the phone that it wasn't there. He was...less than impressed when he found out, more so when I said I wasn't going with him."

"Where is he now," she asked, a frightening thought having occurred to her. "He hasn't disappeared with the treasure has he?"

If he had, trying to track him down could delay already time sensitive conditions. Neal managed a small smile, shaking his head.

"Soon as I knew what Keller had done I got word to Moz. Luckily he didn't ignore me. He's willing to bury the hatchet for this and already has an idea in the works. He couldn't walk away with El in trouble. Honestly, I think he'd do anything for her. Hell, he might even give up his biggest score to...", the fondness in his voice died as he finished, "...get her back."

His jaw clenched and he gripped Sarah's hand tighter.

"And now Keller thinks I have access to the treasure and I know he'll do whatever he has to to get his hands on it. El is in danger because I brought this into their lives. Peter will never forgive me, Moz hates me, I've effectively destroyed any relationship you and I had..."

"Slow down, Neal. I'm here, aren't I?"

She moved closer to him on the couch. He gratefully leaned his shoulder against hers.

"Is it awful that I'm glad you stayed," she admitted softly.

"No," he assured her.

He brought their joined hands to rest on his lap, studying them intently.

"I just couldn't do it, Sarah," he admitted. "I wasn't ready to leave all of this – Peter, the Bureau, June...", he turned his head slightly in her direction without lifting it, "...you."

He began stroking her palm with his thumb. He was emotionally spent and speech was becoming difficult.

"And I wanted to tell you. So badly. I meant it when I said I was never going to say goodbye to you because I'd already decided by then I wasn't going anywhere. Every time I pictured telling you I was leaving, it seemed impossible. Scared the hell out of me, actually. I just panicked...I..."

He didn't bother hiding his tears.

"...I love this, the life I've made here. I love all of this! I love..."

He broke off, biting his bottom lip before going on.

"But Mozzie is my family. I didn't know what to do!"

He finally met Sarah's gaze, searching for answers or absolution, she wasn't sure which. She had neither to offer. When he didn't find what he sought, his face crumbled and he sagged forward.

"I'm really sorry." He said with a sob. "I'm sorry."

Sarah didn't think twice about pulling him into her arms, resting her cheek on his head in an act of comfort. His apology wasn't to her alone but all the same she told him what he needed to hear.

"I know."


	3. Chapter 3

Sarah knew it was a horrible idea. The man's wife had just been taken and here she was at his home, readying herself to bring up probably one of the last names he wanted to hear. She felt ridiculous but some strange compulsion was superseding any reluctance she was feeling.

The Burke residence seemed to be headquarters for the investigation, perhaps in an effort to make Peter as comfortable as possible throughout this ordeal; keep him informed, make him feel involved without him officially working on the case.

Sarah entered to find him sitting on his couch between two colleagues, one speaking to Peter, the other typing away on a laptop. Peter noticed her at the front door and stood.

"Sarah, come in," he said, trying to be courteous while sounding exhausted.

"Thanks, Peter."

She stepped into the living room, mind racing over how to approach this dilemma.

"Um...I was wondering if I could speak to you alone for a minute."

"Oh," Peter said, looking surprised. "Of course. We'll step out back."

He excused himself and led her to the backyard. The air was chilled by a brisk wind, cutting through Sarah's thin coat. It was almost a welcome distraction. Her courage was quickly fading as she turned to face him.

"How are you?" She asked.

Peter shrugged.

"Well..."

"Right," Sarah shook her head, "stupid question."

"Sarah," Peter interjected, "if you know something we need to let everyone know."

Sarah grimaced. Of course he would think that's why she was here. This really was a horrible idea.

"No, no, I'm sorry. I'm afraid I'm here for purely selfish reasons. Feel free to throw me out at any time."

Peter made a gesture to say he would never, but it was half-hearted at best. This was becoming more difficult by the second. Sarah decided she best get this over with.

"Listen, I wanted to ask you a favour. It's about...it's about Neal."

She felt like scum. As she'd feared, Peter's expression hardened.

"Did he put you up to this?"

Sarah's mouth hung open.

"Wha-no! No, he didn't, I-"

"I'll stop you there. Don't bother. I've already decided our partnership is done when this is over. He'll be going back to prison. I'm out of favours for that man."

"I understand," Sarah said. "You need to do what you feel is best and I would never expect you to pretend that nothings changed or that he doesn't deserve to be punished. But whatever you decide to do...I want to ask you to forgive him."

Her voice held both embarrassment and determination. Peter stared at her, incredulous, anger simmering. She had to remind herself to breathe.

"You think he deserves to be forgiven? My wife is a damned hostage, God knows what's going to happen to her and you think I can just shrug that off? Say 'it's okay Neal, you didn't really mean for this to happen, no hard feelings'?" He scoffed bitterly. "You've got a lot of nerve, Sarah."

"I know." She wasn't sure how she was still looking Peter in the eye. "I'm asking you anyway. I have to."

"Why?" Peter demanded. "What the hell makes you think I should ever speak to Neal again after this? How can you even ask me something like that?"

"I love him."

She was as much taken a back by her answer as Peter. Was that the fuel behind her temporary insanity?

"At least I think I do," she went on, less certainly, "and I know he loves you. And I know it's..._extremely_ bad form to expect you to sympathize with him, but Peter...he is destroyed." She finished helplessly.

Though he appeared conflicted, his hurt and anger won out. He sneered.

"The poor dear. El was taken because of him. Damn right I have no sympathy."

"Keller took her, not Neal." She felt pathetic as soon as she said it. _Now you're debating with him_ she chided herself.

"Because Neal is a criminal!" Peter shouted at her, exasperated. "Because he _chooses to_ _be_ a criminal, to associate with criminals and it was only a matter of time before the people in his life would pay the price. That's what happens to people who care about Neal Caffery. My wife – a woman who's only crime so far as I can see is having married me – her life is at risk and it's his fault. Like every addict out there, he destroys everything around him to keep doing what he does and anyone in his way becomes irrelevant."

Sarah felt like a punching bag hearing this. Her head was swimming. She'd come this far though, and so made a last-ditch effort to get him to see her point.

"He's trying to do the right thing," she said feebly. "He's ready to give a full confession and take what's coming to him. I just...I don't think he'll make it through this if he loses you."

Peter had been building up such fury that Sarah was blindsided by the look of pity he was suddenly giving her. He sighed.

"Sarah, you are in for a world of hurt if you think there is more to Neal than what he is. He may be the kindest, most thoughtful conman alive but he is still a criminal. So don't kid yourself. He wants to be a good person, I don't doubt that, but fundamentally he is selfish. He will always get distracted by the next shiny thing that comes along and to hell with the consequences. You say you love him? I suggest you save yourself the pain and get out while you still can."

She had no response. Peter had just spoken aloud every fear she'd ever had about Neal. Everything she hadn't wanted to believe, he had just confirmed. She only hoped she could hold it together long enough to make it out of there.

"I should go," she whispered.

"Yeah," Peter agreed, standing aside to let her go through the house.

She left as quickly as possible, head bowed. As she got into her car, she said a silent prayer that she hadn't made things worse and that somehow Peter and Neal could get past this because the alternative was not something she wanted to consider.


End file.
